5 Reasons Relationships Are So Tough To Do by Janet Chester Bly

I’m surrounded by imperfect people. How about you?
Like most of you, I don’t always have a peaceful, easy, simple and carefree kind of life. 

Janet Chester Bly

Complications and on-the-verge of chaos circumstances sometimes seem relentless. Especially when it comes to relationships. They can be noisy and messy and pesky.
I’m surrounded by imperfect people, just like me.

I became a woman of faith, partly because of the challenges of relationships. Married for four years with two babies, I suddenly realized I didn’t know how to do marriage or parenting. Searching for help and advice, I wondered if really, truly God existed. If so, what was he like? And would he be willing and able to guide a needy gal like me? The drive to know led me to him as my heavenly Father.

Dealing with relationships also shoved me into writing. I had to journal about the drama and the delights. I wrote about being my mate’s best friend, attempts at becoming a good mom, and the challenge of forever friendships.

One thing I know for sure, relationships are the toughest things we do. That is, if we care about them and are serious about making them work. But why? Here’re five reasons to consider.

1. Close relationships, such as marriage, provide the ultimate invasion of privacy. Torn down is the veil of public persona safety. Sooner or later you face the wash-off, no-makeup, tired-beyond-your-limit retorts, promising no-more-superficial-niceties. Loving people up close and personal exposes faults and warts—theirs and yours.
   
   
2. Working at relationships challenge the core of our me-centered default domain. Becoming other-centered cramps our comfort and relentless, selfish point of view. And challenges our core character. We must learn to give up time, to listen rather than chomp at the bit to tell everything we know.
   
   In every ongoing relationship, two wills bump or align—every time they meet. Even the best of relationships can go through a season when they falter or fail. A distance can develop. A daunting barrier rises. A sincere apology can go a long way.
   
   Thinking of others as good-as or better-than-we-are requires a healthy amount of empathy. And respect. And they can be overwhelming when we have to juggle a number of them. Which should be a priority?
   We are all wired differently—in impulses, in the ways we see things, in backgrounds and experiences. Keeping the peace requires making sense of the complexities. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp. Some are pretty. Some are dull. Some have weird names. All are different colors. But they have to learn to live in the same box.
   
3. We erect resentments because of jealousy. Feeling overlooked. Rivalry at every turn. A lean toward lust. More than a grain of greed. This evolves from a lack of true satisfaction, always wanting more.
   
   
4. Some folks not only have a nerve, they hit one of ours, every time. Sometimes that’s good. We’re made accountable to aim for better behavior. Or our balloon busts. You’re wearing a new style and feeling full of sassy and she says, “It doesn’t really work, does it?” Truth can hurt, can wound, can seem rude. Not fun.
   
   
5. It’s hard to forgive some offenses. Betrayal is one. Lies and deceit are another. Or triggers we don’t understand ourselves, such as unresolved issues, habits learned from childhood, past experiences we never worked through. We harbor a deep root of bitterness. Sometimes we carry a thin layer of civility over a volcano of unresolved anger.
   Or it can be as simple as, who gets the stuff? The reading of a will and a divvy up of the inheritance tests many families. 

The most wonderful feeling in the world is to be free from all double-dealing, to be an open window to the world. To live without regrets of words left unsaid or deeds left undone. But to achieve that in relationships require conscious efforts to care, to persevere, to make bridges over chasms. Or relationships can stagnate or die. Our most trusted support group forms from those relationships we tough out through the lifelong haul of enduring trials and sharing sorrows. 

About the Author

Janet Chester Bly is the widow of Christy Award winning western author Stephen Bly. Together—his, hers, and theirs--they published 120 fiction and nonfiction books for adults and kids (8-12 yrs). Her newest solo adult novel release is a contemporary western mystery with a touch of romance entitled Down Squash Blossom Road, Book 2 in the Trails of Reba Cahill series. Book 1 is Wind in the Wires. Janet and their three sons finished Stephen’s last novel for him, Stuart Brannon’s Final Shot, a Selah Award Finalist. Read the story at the Bly Books blog:  http://www.blybooks.com/blog/   

NYTimes and USA Today Bestselling author Rachel Hauck said of Book 1, Wind in the Wires: “I love your voice! I love the setting...It’s a great story!” 

Down Squash Blossom Road
by Janet Chester Bly

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Down Squash Blossom Road
What Secret Lies Down Squash Blossom Road?

Cowgirl Reba Cahill’s schedule is full. Save the family ranch. Free her mom from a mental institute. Take another road trip. Solve a murder and a kidnapping. Plus, evade a stalker. Can she also squeeze in romance? Reba Cahill thought she could focus on the duties of the ranch, to help out her widowed grandmother. But a crippled Champ Runcie returns to Road’s End in a wheelchair and seeks revenge for the accident that put him there. Meanwhile, a letter from her estranged mom forces her and Grandma Pearl back on the road: I can leave now. Come get me. Love, Mom

When they arrive in Reno, her mother issues a demand and refuses to return to Idaho. They head west instead. In California, Reba’s friend Ginny’s marriage is on the rocks. The family business is threatened. And squabbles turn deadly. Reba must dig deep to find the courage to forge a relationship with her mom and escape a crazed man’s obsession. She also faces an uncertain future even as a horse trainer offers her a new horse to replace Johnny Poe … and maybe more.

A Simple Way to Deepen Your Characters

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends,

Deep, multi-layered characters hook readers, am I right? I know this, and I’ve heard and read lots about it over the years. Typical advice: don't be nice to my characters, find out what lie they believe, figure out what they want and why they can’t have it.

Yes! These are great words of wisdom, which I try to follow, but recently I’ve noticed another way to create that intensity.

Family.

Mainly from being sucked in to TV dramas (some have pretty good character development), I’m learning to see how important—maybe even critical—family relationships are for my characters. There’s a universal understanding of the heart connections here. The hurts pierce deeply; the joyful bonding resonates intensely. And if I can be purposeful about my hero's and heroine's connections to family, perhaps I can add that intensity to my story.

Shared Experiences
No one knows what we’ve been through like our family. “Remember how mom used to…” or “I’ll never forget that road trip…” Common memories signal a unique love we all long for.

Deep Pain

For most of us, those closest to us caused our deepest pain from the past. Consequently, loved ones also have the greatest propensity for future potential hurt. With family we’re at our most vulnerable.  

Forgiveness

Let’s face it, who have we hurt more than our very own parents, siblings, or children? A longing for forgiveness, or the relief of receiving it, molds who we are, building either confidence or insecurities.
 

Expectations

All family relationships come with certain expectations. I expect my husband to protect me both physically and emotionally. I expect him to cherish me and love me. If he falls short of these things, it hurts! Same with parents. We expect them to be supportive and loving, but how heartbreaking when father ignores a son or a mother calls a daughter fat?

Can you see the potential for our characters? What a wealth of emotion just wating for us to tap into!

Each family relationship—parent/child; sibling/sibling, grandparent/grandchild—touches on these emotional hot buttons in different ways. Next week we’ll explore how these specific relationships impact our stories.

 

How have you used family relationships to deepen your characters? I'd love to hear.

 

God bless and happy writing!

Ocieanna

 

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