Ask O: Are "To-Be" Verbs Really So Bad?

Oh man! Yes, my friends, they are. I’ve encountered this kill-your-to-be-verbs rule since I first started writing fourteen years ago, yet, I still spot the little buggers all over the place: in my editing, when reading a book, even in my own writing…gasp! It’s so easy for the sly weasels to stink up a perfectly lovely sentence (sometimes disguised as a contraction). So, to renew the battle against them, let’s remind ourselves the evil caused by to-be verbs.

First, a reminder. A to-be verb is any derivative of the verb to be. (You always knew I was brilliant.) Am, is, are, was, were, be, being, been.

Am is Awkward

There is no reason why she should be so snooty.

I don’t know if I’ve ever written a worse sentence. Do you see how the to-be verbs complicate a simple thought? Just cutting most of them trims the sentence by almost half.

Why must she be so snooty?

Better, yes?

Here’s another example.

The grizzly is chasing the salmon down the stream that is winding through the woods.

Especially in a more complicated sentence (one fraught with such goodies as dependent clauses or prepositional phrases), to-be verbs only add confusion.

            The grizzly chases the salmon down the winding stream.

Ah. Relief.

Be is Boring

Margaret was sad because Jim said he was going to break up with her.

Ugh! The evil to-be verbs sucked the emotion right out of that sentence. It says she’s sad, but we don’t feel her devastation one bit. To-be verbs are the enemies of emotion.

Tears had dampened Margaret’s cheeks before her mind registered—much less accepted—Jim’s words. He wanted to … what? But she wore his ring. She’d asked her best friend to stand up with her. She’d even asked her sister. She longed to deny it, but the ache in her chest—and the clear gaze from Jim’s blue eyes—told her he meant his words.

I got a little carried away, but it points out something I’ve found. To-be verbs tend to lead to short-cut writing. They lead to “telling” instead of “showing.” I don’t know how many times I’ve gone through a manuscript looking to search and destroy to-be verbs and ended up not just finding adequate replacements, but delving deeper into a character’s emotion or expounding on a plot point.

Is is Icky

The tree was tall and had orange leaves. The swing that hung from its branch was worn from years of use. Looking at it, Elise was pensive, remembering her childhood.

Bland ickyness oozes from those nasty little words. Imagine replacing the was-es in that paragraph with worthy verbs.

The tree loomed from its high post, draping its orange leaves like a protective canopy over the squeaky swing. Eyeing it, Elise bowed her head as a memorial to her childhood and her one joyful escape from the sadness inside.

Now we’re talking. And again, just intentionally working to replace the to-be verbs got my creative juices flowing. I wonder about this Elise. Did she overcome her childhood?

A good rule of thumb: No more than two to-be verbs per page. I admit, sometimes they can’t be avoided. But if possible, slash those puppies!

What problems do you see with to-be verbs and how do you overcome them? I’d love to hear.

And don’t forget, I love answering your questions. Feel free to post them in the comments or at o@ocieanna.com.

God bless and happy writing,

Ocieanna

A Simple Way to Deepen Your Characters

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends,

Deep, multi-layered characters hook readers, am I right? I know this, and I’ve heard and read lots about it over the years. Typical advice: don't be nice to my characters, find out what lie they believe, figure out what they want and why they can’t have it.

Yes! These are great words of wisdom, which I try to follow, but recently I’ve noticed another way to create that intensity.

Family.

Mainly from being sucked in to TV dramas (some have pretty good character development), I’m learning to see how important—maybe even critical—family relationships are for my characters. There’s a universal understanding of the heart connections here. The hurts pierce deeply; the joyful bonding resonates intensely. And if I can be purposeful about my hero's and heroine's connections to family, perhaps I can add that intensity to my story.

Shared Experiences
No one knows what we’ve been through like our family. “Remember how mom used to…” or “I’ll never forget that road trip…” Common memories signal a unique love we all long for.

Deep Pain

For most of us, those closest to us caused our deepest pain from the past. Consequently, loved ones also have the greatest propensity for future potential hurt. With family we’re at our most vulnerable.  

Forgiveness

Let’s face it, who have we hurt more than our very own parents, siblings, or children? A longing for forgiveness, or the relief of receiving it, molds who we are, building either confidence or insecurities.
 

Expectations

All family relationships come with certain expectations. I expect my husband to protect me both physically and emotionally. I expect him to cherish me and love me. If he falls short of these things, it hurts! Same with parents. We expect them to be supportive and loving, but how heartbreaking when father ignores a son or a mother calls a daughter fat?

Can you see the potential for our characters? What a wealth of emotion just wating for us to tap into!

Each family relationship—parent/child; sibling/sibling, grandparent/grandchild—touches on these emotional hot buttons in different ways. Next week we’ll explore how these specific relationships impact our stories.

 

How have you used family relationships to deepen your characters? I'd love to hear.

 

God bless and happy writing!

Ocieanna

 

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Tips from the Journey Part Two: My Imaginary Friends

Happy Wednesday my writing friends,

Last week I shared a tip I learned from my early days—too lee do—writing details as if viewed through a toilet paper roll. See here to understand.

This week’s tip from the journey is about my imaginary friend. Well, actually, “imaginary readers” is the term. Have you ever tried this method? I learned it from the second writing book I ever read (I got it from the library and can’t remember what it’s called), but I’ve seen the idea other places too.

We’re Story Tellers, Right? 

If you’re like me, I bet you enjoy whipping out your story-telling skills in a crowd. I love to see the response of friends as I dramatically share an experience—the smiles, looks of concern, laughter, relief. Their reactions (or lack thereof) ignite my energy to make the story more engaging.

That’s the idea of imaginary readers. It’s a way of thinking about the folks who will be reading our words as we write, imagining their responses, and letting that guide our scenes. I usually employ one of two methods, or sometimes both.

Single Reader

Since I write historical romance, I pick a woman who delights in a good love story for my imaginary reader. As I write, I imagine I’m telling her the story. Sometimes this is a person I make up, and other times it’s a real friend of mine. I can hear her excitement over a romantic scene or her disappointment over a big conflict. I feed off of it!

The Campfire

Don’t you love hearing a story being told around a campfire? I have awesome memories of being at summer camp and my favorite counselor telling, “Who’s Got My Shinny Bone?” to us freaked-out little campers. “You got it!”

I want my stories to generate that edge-of-seat response, so sometimes I imagine myself in front of a campfire, spinning my scene to the expectant campers. I see their faces reflecting the fire and their eyes waiting for the next event to happen. I play off of it, adding suspense when needed, a quiet moment, or explanation.

Imaginary readers have been in my toolbox for years. How do imaginary readers help you? I'd love to hear. 

God bless and happy writing!

Ocieanna

PS Don’t forget to send your Ask O Questions to me at o@ocieanna.com or here in the comments.

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Taglines, Loglines, Blurbs...How Do I Write Them?

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends. This week we're going to talk about those nasty one-liners we have to write for our proposals and pitches. Enjoy!

…Teasers, One-liners. Whatever you call them, those teenie little summaries requested by editors add up to a big bunch of “no fun.” You mean I have to condense my whole story into one catchy line? Yuck! I just want to write my book.

But if I must create a tagline, I may as well make it the snappiest, most-informative, enticing blurb as possible. While figuring out how to do this, I learned something surprising about those pesky one-liners—but I’ll save that till the end. First, the nuts and bolts.

Goin’ on a Blurb Hunt

            I had such fun searching for taglines. Here are a couple favorites.

The land of reindeer, Finnish saunas, and starry, starry nights holds infinite promise for free-flying sisterchicks who feel their hearts fill with a new zest for living…and a fresh view of the One who flung the galaxies across the heavens.

Sisterchicks on the Loose by Robin Jones Gunn

            Here’s another one.

California’s gold country, 1850. A time when men sold their souls for a bag of gold and women sold their bodies for a place to sleep.

From Redeeming Love by Francine Rivers

I scanned taglines from back covers and found heaps of variety—some were short and snappy. Others long and descriptive. A few were even sarcastic or humorous. I paid attention to which ones drew me in or left me flat. Which ones attracted me, or failed to spark my interest. And, of course, I analyzed why.

Think Hollywood

            Why not check out the loglines from movies?  I googled “logline” and came up with great advice for screenwriters that we can use too. One site explained a logline as including hero, flaw, life-changing event, opponent, ally, and battle.¹  Here’s an example from Star Wars A New Hope.

A naïve (flaw) farmer’s nephew (hero) leaves his home planet, (life-changing event) teams up with other rebels (allies), and tries to save the princess (battle) from the evil clutches of a dark lord (opponent).

Try these steps:

Ø      Apply each element to your story. Who’s my hero? What’s his flaw? Etc.

Ø      Using a logline that's already been written as a template, plug in your story's elements. To apply the Star Wars example, instead of “A naïve farmer’s nephew,” you could put, “An incompetent sea captain,” (or whoever your main character is and his flaw). Instead of, “leaves his home planet,” you could put, “sails from his home port” … You get the idea.

Ø      Now that you have a well-written and structured tagline, is it zippy enough? It may not be. But once you have all the elements to play with, you can decide how best to fine tune it into a real grabber.

I Promise

            Another ingredient for a great tagline is the promise. This concept is used in web advertising. One way to persuade consumers to click on a link is to promise them something. How would this work for a novel? Think about what you’re “gifting” your reader. Take a look at Breach of Promise by James Scott Bell.

How far will a father go to get back his only daughter? And how will he survive in a legal system that crushes those who can’t afford to fight back?

            This blurb promises: A missing daughter. A father willing to risk everything to get her back. A twisty drama with a “little guy” taking on the legal system. And the tone suggests fast-paced suspense. All those promises in one little blurb.

The tale of one woman’s fight to claim her independence and self respect in a society that has no place for her.

            What does this line from Jane Eyre promise? A character-driven novel with a strong female protagonist. A fresh look at English society. A story of overcoming the odds.

            What would you like your book to give readers? Once you know, you can decide how to promise it in your blurb.

These suggestions should give you a solid start for writing a selling tagline (logline, blurb, one-liner…).

Oh! Almost forgot the surprise. What else can writing these nasty things do (besides appeasing an acquisitions editor)? I discovered that a well-framed tagline can actually make my novel better. If I'm stumbling over creating a tagline, chances are something’s wrong with my plot or characters. A concise logline can actually diagnose a problem. How cool is that? Plus, writing it first (before I start page one) will clarify my story so it can flow into a tightly written novel. How’s that for a surprise?

So, I guess I have to stop whining and instead embrace my one-liner as an essential tool to enhance my story. 

Have you written loglines for your stories? I'd love to see them. And feel free to add your tips for writing an awesome tagline. 

Happy writing and God bless!

1. http://www.screenwriting-on-the-net.com/log-line.html

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Is Theme Really Important in my Novel? Part One

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends,

Recently someone asked me to describe the theme of a book I was reading. I tried, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized I couldn’t figure it out. It was foggy, at least to me. This started me thinking about the importance of clearly communicating theme in our stories.

Most great books have obvious themes.

Great Expectations—ambition and self improvement

A Wrinkle in Time—the ultimate triumph of love

Les Miserables—the power of redemption

Pride and Prejudice—well … Jane Austin just comes right out and tells us, doesn’t she.

A well-portrayed theme boosts a book from something to fill an afternoon, to a life-impacting experience. Oh, I’ll never forget how The Robe changed me. There’s a book with a magnificently shown theme.

Let’s figure out what it’s all about, then in following weeks, we’ll look at finding the elusive theme and incorporating it into our stories.

What Theme Is Not

It’s not a preconceived agenda to preach at readers. I once edited a book and every page felt sticky. (Do you know what I mean?) It dripped with the author’s agenda, and I hated the feeling it gave me. Story and character depth were thrown aside, replaced by the author’s desire to teach me something. I resented it.

Preaching in fiction is a big no no. Avoid at all costs!

Two Sides of the Coin

Yet, even though I don’t want to preach, I do want to convey truth. That’s where theme comes in. A theme is the overarching essence of the story. It’s the other side of the coin from the plot.

My latest book, Love Finds You in Glacier Bay, Alaska, (coming out in January—woo hoo!) is about a mail-order nanny who goes to Alaska to help a widowed missionary and his family. That’s the plot side of the coin. The other side (the theme) is: Learning to trust in Christ above self or others.

Both are important. Both race through my mind as I plan a story. For me, it’s impossible to separate them. (We’ll get more into that in the following weeks.)

One Last Word

Like a gift we give our readers, theme surprises. They thought they were just going on a romantic journey, or a suspense ride, or a comedic tour, but along the way, we can give them something even more powerful. A challenge to their thinking. An encouragement to cherish life. A nudge toward forgiveness, peace, action, or who knows what else.

That’s what a well-crafted theme can do. Isn’t writing fun!?

What books or movies do you think have the most clearly defined themes? What’s been your experience with them? 

I’d love to hear.

God bless and happy writing!

Ocieanna

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How Do I Write Meaty Scenes? Part Two

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends, 

The cheeseburger's back! Last week we started a two-part series on writing meaty scenes. We discussed the problem of a nowhere scene going leaving readers yawning, and to help, talked about two dos: Do Be Relevant and Do Create Conflict (Internal and External).  Now we move on to one more do and a don't. 

Do Move the Plot Forward

Sometimes I can tell a scene was written simply for character development. For example, the author thinks readers need to know a protagonist struggles with selfishness, so a whole scene revolves around this. I relate to this desire, but character development alone isn’t enough to carry a scene. 

It’s just more fun to weave those traits into action that moves the plot forward. Think of Star Wars (my kids are playing the Wii game at the moment). We find out about Princess Leia’s spunky, stubborn, smart character as Han and Luke rescue her. The plot plunges ahead and we learn about this new kind of princess at the same time. 

Don’t Repeat Yourself

“I already know this!” I read a book recently in which the character was described as timid and afraid of being hurt because of something in her past. Interesting. I can get behind that. 

But then throughout the book, the author told (notice I said told not showed) us this over and over again--every time the character appeared. It was too much. It's okay to introduce the character with a little introspection, but after the first time, character traits should be shown through plot-advancing action. 

I understand this desire. Particularly with traits I think vital, I'm tempted to repeat myself--beat the point into the readers' heads. But I try to remind myself that subtlety is best. I can trust readers to get it. 

I've seen tendency show up in other areas too. Sometimes it’s as simple as eye color, or a character’s favorite ice cream—anything.

I need to remember that everything I write communicates to readers. If I mention the heroine’s blue eyes in scene one, I don’t need to mention it again for a long while (as a reminder). 

Well, are you stuffed? I'm hoping you've gotten a good slab of meaty information to beef up those scenes. Let me know how these work for you or share your ideas. I'd love to hear. 

God bless and happy writing, 

Ocieanna

O's Seven Rules for Nice E-mailing

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends,

Have you ever miscommunicated in an e-mail? Nothing's worse than coming across bossy, upset, or sarcastic when you're not trying to. Since e-mails, and now social network messaging, make up a big part of a writers' communications (after all, we ARE good typists!), let's figure out how to handle our words so no one gets hurt.

1. Greetings and Salutations 
Especially if initiating an e-mail, start with a greeting. "Hey O," works great when writing me. When I'm communicating with fellow writers, I often use, "Hi, Net." For a more professional note, "Dear Ms. Frederick." This may seem nit-picky, but a simple hello creates a less terse and demanding tone.

Note: After the first e-mail, it's okay to pop back and forth without greetings, don't you think? As long as a it's not needed to avoid confusion.

2. Don't Skip the Warm-Up
In sales, that period before the actual sales pitch begins is called the warm-up. It's when a good salesman takes a sincere interest in the client. If a salesman rushes it, he comes across uncaring and rude. For e-mails, the warm-up can be as short as, "Can you believe we've had two sunny days in a row?" Or for a more formal relationship, "Good afternoon, I hope your week is going well."

This small gesture let's the recipient know you think of her as a living and breathing person, not just another computer, or someone you want something from.

3. Be Friendly
Please! It seems some folks think it's okay to be bossy in e-mail. I assume they're just in git-her-done mode, perhaps rushed, overloaded with a full to-do list, but I don't want to bear the brunt of that. It's what I'm always telling my kids, "Just be nice. That's all I ask."

4. Smilies, LOLs, and IMHO
I know these can be annoying, but especially if trying to explain something that could sound demanding, Use them! And let's not forget our pleases and thank yous.

Compare: Send me that file ASAP.

With: Could you please send me that file ASAP? I'd appreciate it. :)

Wouldn't you rather get the second e-mail? It took me only a few seconds to add the extra nice-ness.

Note: Of course if it's a formal e-mail, don't add the smilies, but still say please and thank you.

5. Keep it Short

6. Bullets
Long, paragraphed e-mails presume on the recipient's time. If you have a lot to say, bullet your points to aid scanning.

7. Temper, Temper!
If I have to write an emotionally sensitive e-mail, I do three things. First, pray for God to guide my words and heart. Second, read it out loud. If a note of frustration accidentally slipped out, I catch it. Third, wait. Let it sit a while. When I get back to it, I'm in a better frame of mind to judge my tone.

I try to remember that I'm an ambassador of Christ in all my writing--even e-mails. I'm always asking for Him to use me, maybe a kind e-mail is just what someone will need.

God bless and happy writing,
Ocieanna





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Ask O: McCrit Rules Part 2

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends!

Last week we looked at part one of McCrit's writing rules--Vernonica's and Annette's. Today we'll check out Dawn's and mine. Enjoy!

Dawn’s Rules

1. All sentences shall make sense. Dawn rocks at noticing confusing or unclear writing. I’d written that something could “give way” to something else. In my head it made sense, but she showed me that it could have two very different meanings.

2. Head-hopping shall forever cease. It’s easy to slip out of a character’s point of view without even realizing it. While in Joe's POV, you might find this: “Like a typical guy, Joe loved machinery.” This doesn't work because a man would never refer to himself as a “typical guy.” Subtle slips like this happen. That's why I'm so grateful for my critique group to catch this stuff.

3. The prose shall flow. Choppy, overly long, or just plain awkward sentences perish under Dawn’s critique.

4. The same word shall not be used repeatedly. Actually, we all pretty much despise the repeated word issue. You know, “She pursed her lips as she bought the purse in the purse department.” It happens to all of us. Critique partners help to catch them.

Ocieanna’s Rules

1. The level of POV shall be deep. I’m a broken record, constantly saying, “Go deeper into the character. I want to feel her. I want to be her.”

2. Thou shalt show not tell. My McCritters know this rule, of course, but we all need to be reminded. Don’t say, “She enjoyed being with him.” Show a scene of her enjoying him. Don’t say, “She felt sad.” Show her fighting back tears, or, even better, a scene where her sadness is so real, it needs no explanation.

3. Clichés shall be banished from the land. I just can’t handle them. One that drives me over the edge is, “Heat rose to her face.” If I see that, watch out. I may throw your manuscript out the window.

4. The story world shall be real. I want to smell the stench of the cargo hold your character tarries in. Make me taste the foul gruel and then the relief of fresh water. I want to feel the hero’s rough, carpenter’s hands on her skin. I want to sit on the sofa with your character and watch as he makes me dinner.

Bonus: A few more, no extra charge.   

• No info dumps!
• No author intrusion!
• Good chapter length. 
• First chapter checklist. 
• Story question in first few pages.
• Ground reader in storyworld in first chapter.
• Interconnected themes.
• Fatal flaw.

Got it? Seeing these rules jotted down in one spot reminds me how hard it is to create awesome writing. It can be overwhelming, but the number one rule for me and all my McCritters is prayer. As we struggle to grow in excellence, our Lord guides us. With Him (and a fresh dose of McCrit rules) our writing will soar. 

God bless and happy writing! 

Ocieanna

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Ask O Wednesday: Eight Power Rules for Critiquing

Thou Shalt ... 

Happy Wednesday my writing friends,

Last night my McCritters and I (sadly sans Annette) met for the first time in a long while! When I got home, my husband asked if we laughed a lot. Yay! Of course we did. But we also worked. It reminded me of how incredibly valuable a critique group is. We can't measure how much we've improved since we started meeting. 

In our group, we each contribute certain writing rules. Perhaps they are simply pet peeves we all look for when critiquing. Since you don’t get the benefit of sitting in McDonald’s (listening to all manner of crazy, piped-in music) and hearing us tout our rules, I’ll share them with you. My hope is you’ll employ these in your own critique group or simply while self-editing.

Today, I'll share Veronica's (V's) and Annette's (Net's) rules. Next week, Dawn's and mine. Enjoy!

V’s Rules

1. The words look, turn, or walk shall not be used, never, hence and forevermore. Furthermore, any words showing equal capacity for dullness shall by hacked from any manuscript.

2. All tenses shall be in agreement with one another. I broke this several times last night! I wrote his horrid thing: “She not only survived, but thrives.” Ah! Thank goodness V caught it.

3. The use of “To Be” shall be eliminated at all costs—or at least severely limited. I had, “Moms seeking parenting knowledge is a growing segment.” V changed it to, “Moms seeking parenting knowledge comprises a growing segment.” Heck yeah! Much better.

4. Characters’ names shall be used sparingly in dialog. One of my pet peeves too! Remember in the movie Titanic how they kept saying each other’s names: “Rose, watch out. Rose, what are you doing? Oh Rose, you’re so beautiful.” “Jack, why are you spitting over the side?” “Jack, my family will never accept you.” “Jack, don’t leave me!” Ugh!

Net’s Rules

1. Romance shall be central. Three of the four McCritters are writing romance. Net is the BEST at reminding us to keep the romance thread strong. Whatever your genre, remember to constantly draw your plot and characters toward the goal that will satisfy your readers.

2. Formatting shall be concise. I’ve never seen anyone catch misplaced spaces or odd indentations better.

3. Body parts shall stay connected to one’s body. So my character’s eyeballs are flying across a room or his hands are wandering along the railing, what’s the big deal? (Note sarcasm.)

4. The phrase “couldn’t help but” shall be cut from existence. This is just a tired phrase, way overused. Find something more interesting. 

Just like being there. Consider yourself an honorary McCritter. 

And don't forget to tune in next week for Dawn's and my rules. What are your writing rules? I'd love to hear. 

Ocieanna

PS Feel free to send your questions for Ask O to me in the comments or on my website, ocieanna.com. 

Ask O: Falling in Love with Romance

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends,

A few weeks ago I had the great honor to sit on a panel with other romance novelists at the NorthwestChristian Writers’ Association’s annual conference, Writer’s Renewal. Such fun to talk about the different nuances and elements involved in good Christian romance.

So, I thought I’d take a few weeks to share some of the questions we discussed (and some we didn’t have time for) with my Wednesday peeps (that’s you!).

How did you get started writing Christian romance?

Funny…I didn’t set out to write romance. I wasn’t passionate about it, and I rarely read a “romance” (although I always loved a romantic thread). I had bigger, broader ideas—an epic historical tickled my fancy, with multiple points of view and interweaving plotlines.

I think we authors often long to start our writing careers by penning that "Great American Novel." We want to be Steinbeck or George Elliot or Bodie Thoene or Jack Cavanaugh. As I struggled to craft my big hunkin’ ideas, I realized I wasn’t ready to intermingle so many POV characters and story arcs.

So I decided to simplify. A boy. A girl. Each with an external and internal conflict to overcome in order to ultimately embrace love. That I could handle.

Along the way, I found out romance is super fun! I fell in love with it, actually, and hope to happily camp out here for a while.

Why do you enjoy writing romance?

First, within every good romance novel lies a big obstacle. For us to care, something must block the hero and heroine from getting together. As the author, I get to mess up their lives, force them apart, throw in roadblocks! Fun!

Second, good romance novels require attraction between the hero and heroine. It’s a puzzle to create two characters who “go” together. What does George lack that Mary fills? What makes them seem opposite (to create conflict), yet actually tugs them closer (so they can be together)? Figuring this out also raises my fun level.

And, finally, of course, the shmushy-gushy, lovey-dovey stuff. The kissing, loving words, gentle tracing of his fingertips over her lips…

Yeah, that’s fun too. (Tee hee hee!)

Haven’t tried writing romance? Give it a try. And tune it next week for part two. We’ll discuss the question: What are the key elements of a successful romance novel?

God bless and happy writing!

Ocieanna

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Ask O: Reaction Before Action Part Two

Happy Wednesday my writing friends!

Today we continue our discussion about reaction before action or effect before cause. It can be tricky, so to sharpen our skills, I created a paragraph filled with the little devils. Can you find them?

Wow! Excitement rippled through me when my husband announced that he didn’t have to work.
“Really? Not Job One?”
He laughed and shook his head.
“Not Job Two?”“Nope!”
“Job Three?”
“Yay! Papa doesn’t have to work!” My littlest scampered into the bedroom and jumped on our bed where we were talking. The other kidlets joined us and we hugged and giggled about planning our family adventure for dad’s day off.

Think you found them all? Let’s see if we can clean this up.

Problem #1: Excitement rippled BEFORE my husband’s announcement--classic emotional response coming before action.

Better: “Honey, sit down. You may not believe this. I don’t have to work today.”

Excitement rippled through me. Could it be true?

Problem #2: “He laughed and shook his head.” Perhaps a little more subtle, but you still must ask, why is he laughing? His chuckle comes because his answer to my question is no (which he shows by shaking his head.)

Better: He shook his head then laughed.

Problem #3: “Yay! Papa doesn’t have to work!” Ugh! This kind irks me the most. The child talks before we know a child's in the room. Technically, this one exemplifies effect coming before cause. The effect is the child talking, the cause is the child.

Better: Christian bounded into the room with an impressive Army kick and roll.

My husband grinned at Christian, but spoke to me.“I’m telling you. I don’t have to work at all today, not at any of my jobs."

“Yay! Papa doesn’t’ have to work!”

Problem #4: “…and jumped on the bed where we were talking.” We don't know where this scene takes place until the very last sentence. Thing is, if we don’t create a story world, readers will create their own. Then when we finally show them where we imagine the scene, we jolt readers out of the story and make them re-adjust. We don’t want them to work that hard.

Better: Provide a short beat of story world before the scene even begins: With a stretch and a yawn, I lug my tired self from bed. Before my eyes fully focus, my husband swaggers in, all smiles.

Problem #5: “The other kidlets joined us, and we hugged and giggled about planning our family adventure for dad’s day off.”

Better: You tell me! Leave your answer in the comments with a corrected sentence and I’ll even put you in a drawing to win one of my books!

Happy writing and God bless!

Ocieanna

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Ask O Wednesday: How Do I Defeat Reaction Before Action?

Happy Wednesday, my writing friends!

I’ve been teaching a six-week history course for junior highers at our homeschool co-op. One requirement is to teach and discuss two literature selections. The first one rocked—The Scarlet Pimpernel. “Zounds!” It’s splendid!

Lately, I’ve been working on the second selection--a Lewis and Clark story from a dog’s POV displayed on my Kindle.

I’m sorry to say that this book drives me crazy! It’s confusing. I don’t know what’s going on. I have to re-read and re-read. And then I’m still not sure what’s happening. The root of the confusion is the old cause-before-effect problem. Reaction before action. Nasty beast. It manifested its ugly mug in several ways.

Dialog

A scene moves along nicely. Seaman (Meriwether Lewis’s dog) sniffs a flag pole and bumps noses with another dog, and then, bam! Out of nowhere a strange new person strikes up a conversation. Another joins in. It’s Thomas Jefferson.

I’m jolted out of the story into a cascade of questions.

Where did person number one come from and when did President Jefferson arrive? What are they doing and how are they related to the dog? How do they fit into this point in the plot?

How to Stop

It can be tempting to shock readers with a surprise character, shown through dialog, but in my experience, it rarely works, rather, causes crazed frustration (at least in my case).

I try to step back and introduce the new folk through my point-of-view character’s lens. I don’t always spell out all the details. For instance, the author of the Lewis and Clark dog book could’ve shown a tall man with red hair entering the scene. He could’ve portrayed an air of authority, and then disclosed the presidential identity through dialog.

That would’ve helped.

I feel better just sharing…

Tune in next week for part two of this topic.

What are some ways you fight the wicked vice of reaction before action? 

I'd love to hear!

Happy writing!

Ocieanna