5 Reasons Relationships Are So Tough To Do by Janet Chester Bly

I’m surrounded by imperfect people. How about you?
Like most of you, I don’t always have a peaceful, easy, simple and carefree kind of life. 

Janet Chester Bly

Complications and on-the-verge of chaos circumstances sometimes seem relentless. Especially when it comes to relationships. They can be noisy and messy and pesky.
I’m surrounded by imperfect people, just like me.

I became a woman of faith, partly because of the challenges of relationships. Married for four years with two babies, I suddenly realized I didn’t know how to do marriage or parenting. Searching for help and advice, I wondered if really, truly God existed. If so, what was he like? And would he be willing and able to guide a needy gal like me? The drive to know led me to him as my heavenly Father.

Dealing with relationships also shoved me into writing. I had to journal about the drama and the delights. I wrote about being my mate’s best friend, attempts at becoming a good mom, and the challenge of forever friendships.

One thing I know for sure, relationships are the toughest things we do. That is, if we care about them and are serious about making them work. But why? Here’re five reasons to consider.

1. Close relationships, such as marriage, provide the ultimate invasion of privacy. Torn down is the veil of public persona safety. Sooner or later you face the wash-off, no-makeup, tired-beyond-your-limit retorts, promising no-more-superficial-niceties. Loving people up close and personal exposes faults and warts—theirs and yours.
   
   
2. Working at relationships challenge the core of our me-centered default domain. Becoming other-centered cramps our comfort and relentless, selfish point of view. And challenges our core character. We must learn to give up time, to listen rather than chomp at the bit to tell everything we know.
   
   In every ongoing relationship, two wills bump or align—every time they meet. Even the best of relationships can go through a season when they falter or fail. A distance can develop. A daunting barrier rises. A sincere apology can go a long way.
   
   Thinking of others as good-as or better-than-we-are requires a healthy amount of empathy. And respect. And they can be overwhelming when we have to juggle a number of them. Which should be a priority?
   We are all wired differently—in impulses, in the ways we see things, in backgrounds and experiences. Keeping the peace requires making sense of the complexities. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp. Some are pretty. Some are dull. Some have weird names. All are different colors. But they have to learn to live in the same box.
   
3. We erect resentments because of jealousy. Feeling overlooked. Rivalry at every turn. A lean toward lust. More than a grain of greed. This evolves from a lack of true satisfaction, always wanting more.
   
   
4. Some folks not only have a nerve, they hit one of ours, every time. Sometimes that’s good. We’re made accountable to aim for better behavior. Or our balloon busts. You’re wearing a new style and feeling full of sassy and she says, “It doesn’t really work, does it?” Truth can hurt, can wound, can seem rude. Not fun.
   
   
5. It’s hard to forgive some offenses. Betrayal is one. Lies and deceit are another. Or triggers we don’t understand ourselves, such as unresolved issues, habits learned from childhood, past experiences we never worked through. We harbor a deep root of bitterness. Sometimes we carry a thin layer of civility over a volcano of unresolved anger.
   Or it can be as simple as, who gets the stuff? The reading of a will and a divvy up of the inheritance tests many families. 

The most wonderful feeling in the world is to be free from all double-dealing, to be an open window to the world. To live without regrets of words left unsaid or deeds left undone. But to achieve that in relationships require conscious efforts to care, to persevere, to make bridges over chasms. Or relationships can stagnate or die. Our most trusted support group forms from those relationships we tough out through the lifelong haul of enduring trials and sharing sorrows. 

About the Author

Janet Chester Bly is the widow of Christy Award winning western author Stephen Bly. Together—his, hers, and theirs--they published 120 fiction and nonfiction books for adults and kids (8-12 yrs). Her newest solo adult novel release is a contemporary western mystery with a touch of romance entitled Down Squash Blossom Road, Book 2 in the Trails of Reba Cahill series. Book 1 is Wind in the Wires. Janet and their three sons finished Stephen’s last novel for him, Stuart Brannon’s Final Shot, a Selah Award Finalist. Read the story at the Bly Books blog:  http://www.blybooks.com/blog/   

NYTimes and USA Today Bestselling author Rachel Hauck said of Book 1, Wind in the Wires: “I love your voice! I love the setting...It’s a great story!” 

Down Squash Blossom Road
by Janet Chester Bly

Download Now! 5 Free Chapters of Down Squash Blossom Road, Book 2! Click here: http://www.blybooks.com/books/squash-blossom/ 

Download Now! 5 free chapters of Wind in the Wires, Book 1! with a sign up for the Almost Monthly Bly Books News. Click here: http://www.blybooks.com/books/inspirational-books-novel/ 

Find Janet online here: '
Like' Bly Books on Facebook:
 https://www.facebook.com/BlyBooks   
Friend Janet on Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/janetchesterbly 
Pinterest: https://www.pinterest.com/janetcbly/ 
Goodreads: https://www.goodreads.com/author/show/269265.Janet_Chester_Bly Follow on Twitter: https://twitter.com/blybooks/ https://twitter.com/blybooks/
Follow Bly Books on Amazon Author Page for new releases: 
http://www.amazon.com/author/stephenbly and http://amzn.to/2epkofq

Down Squash Blossom Road
What Secret Lies Down Squash Blossom Road?

Cowgirl Reba Cahill’s schedule is full. Save the family ranch. Free her mom from a mental institute. Take another road trip. Solve a murder and a kidnapping. Plus, evade a stalker. Can she also squeeze in romance? Reba Cahill thought she could focus on the duties of the ranch, to help out her widowed grandmother. But a crippled Champ Runcie returns to Road’s End in a wheelchair and seeks revenge for the accident that put him there. Meanwhile, a letter from her estranged mom forces her and Grandma Pearl back on the road: I can leave now. Come get me. Love, Mom

When they arrive in Reno, her mother issues a demand and refuses to return to Idaho. They head west instead. In California, Reba’s friend Ginny’s marriage is on the rocks. The family business is threatened. And squabbles turn deadly. Reba must dig deep to find the courage to forge a relationship with her mom and escape a crazed man’s obsession. She also faces an uncertain future even as a horse trainer offers her a new horse to replace Johnny Poe … and maybe more.

Writing for a Mother's Heart by Janet Chester Bly

Janet Chester Bly is here all month for Manuscript Mondays to share tips on writing for women. This week--writing for a mother's heart. Whether you write fiction or non-fiction, she has wisdom to share. Enjoy!

Writing for a Mother's Heart*
by Janet Chester Bly

My husband Stephen had a proposal accepted by Moody Press for his book, How To Be A Good Dad. I warned him that I could never do a follow-up for moms. I had a lot of insecurities about motherhood. To try to live up to “how to be a good mom” rattled me.

When the offer finally came, I asked to co-author with hubby, that’s how I handled it. Later, when I got a chance to write If My Kids Drive Me Crazy, Am I A Bad Mom?, I could live with this title.

Writing for mothers requires your most gut-level sharing.

What’s Your Story?

First, dig out your journal. Reflect on your experiences.
Second, don’t threaten anyone else’s privacy or comfort level.
Third, listen to your heart—what about mothering is important to you?
Fourth, has anything you’ve tried worked for you?
Fifth, can you back your premises with research?
Sixth, step up your style. Cut the schmaltz. Throw out creative lifelines for the most overworked, often under-trained segment of our society.

Who Is Your Reader?
Determine what sort of Mom for whom you will write. Is she a . . .

Stay-At-Home Mom. . .who may struggle with living on one income.

Homeschooler Mom. . .who centers her life on the care and education of her children.

Career Mom. . .who takes care of her kids in between appointments, conference calls, office hours.

Mom Who Needs Time With Her Peers. . .she’s looking for moms’ groups, support outlets, social outings.

Single Mom. . .loneliness, sexual issues, paying the bills, kids feeling wanted.

Mom With ‘Doing Marriage’ Challenges. . .spouse priorities during parenting years, becoming a couple-centered relationship.

Mom with Babies. . .after LaMaze there’s lactation, toilet training, childcare, to work or not to work.

Mom of School-Aged Kids. . .Kindergarten Readiness Skills, angst for parents who are competitive, ADD & ADHD, birth order, identifying kids with risk factors, dealing with guilt--how can she have the career she wants, a great marriage and still be a good mother?

Mom of Teens. . .survival tips for keeping sanity, dealing with critical social issues.

Who’s Slipping Through the Cracks?
Look around you—whose needs aren’t being met?

The Not Quite Empty Nest Mom. . .when her grown kids keep returning home.**

Moms With Problem Kids. . .strong wills, out-of-control, me-centered, criminal tendencies, prodigals

The 24/7 Nursemaid Mom. . .caregivers of handicapped or ill kids.

Mom as Spiritual Being. . .may not be able to read her Bible on a regular basis, needs simple systems of spiritual disciplines.

Moms Overwhelmed. . .unfaithful spouse, addictions, weight problems.

The Changing Family. . .stay-at-home dads, parents working alternate shifts, women choosing to stay single but with children.

Are You Qualified?
Readers want advice from experts. Experts are a) those with degrees and careers, b) those with five children or more who still have stamina to write a book, c) those with special needs children who are willing to share secrets.

If you aren’t an expert, be sure to interview some pros in the field. Or rely on other respected resources with quotes or stats.

The main sources for your topics will come from other moms. Listen to their questions. Pay attention to comments. Record the stories you hear.

~~~~~

Janet Chester Bly has authored 12 books and co-authored 18 others with husband, Stephen, including How To Be A Good Mom, available at http://BlyBooks.com/store.htm/ Get a free study guide download of If My Kids Drive Me Crazy, Am I A Bad Mom at http://www.blybooks.com/janet.html Also check out our blog: http://BlyBooks.blogspot.com

* copyright 2005, 2011
** sample book: Just Because They’ve Left Doesn’t Mean They’re Gone, Stephen Bly, later retitled, Once a Parent, Always a Parent.

Writing for a Woman's Heart by Janet Chester Bly

Happy Manuscript Monday, dear readers! Is it difficult for you to open your heart and share your own struggles? This month, we welcome Janet Chester Bly to share her series on writing for women. She shares that the best way to minister is to be honest and open about your own struggles. Fiction or non-fiction writers can glean from this topic. Read on!

Writing for a Woman's Heart
by Janet Chester Bly

Driving home from my last day on the job, after helping hubby Stephen get through seminary, I wondered what God wanted me to do next. Hubby had been called to be a pastor, so I asked him. “That’s easy,” he said, “you’ll do stuff for me and stuff for the church.” Well, I wanted a more specific job description. . .which eventually led to the discovery of writing as a spiritual gift and the impetus for one of my first books for women: Managing Your Restless Search/Finding Your Place of Service in God’s Plan.*

What Are The Steps To Write for Women?

First, open your own heart.

A writer who shines draws from her own felt needs first. She addresses issues that hit women where they live. She finds a hot topic that fits her and meets a need in the marketplace.

Second, look into your past.

Where have you struggled? What problems have you faced and found some answers?
What personal experiences make you qualified to opine on certain subjects?

Third, solve the issues in your own life.

You don’t have to be perfect, but you need to be a woman in process. Be honest with yourself before you mete out advice to others. Take the wisdom you’ve gained and pass it down as practical helps to others.

Fourth, listen to your own voice.

What is the central theme you come back to over and over again? What are the ideas that don’t seem to go away? What is your life message?

Fifth, determine to be transparent, honest.

This is crucial to minister life-changing insights to other women. Let your genuineness show through from your heart to hers.

Sixth, define your present.

Who are you right now—education, career, hobbies, experiences? Before you try writing/selling a book, have you written articles on the subject? Are you willing to do proper research with reading, interviews, perhaps travel, if needed? Above all, can you walk what you write?

Seventh, listen to her voice.

Pay attention to other women. Hear her concerns, the passion of her heart. Jane Struck, editor of Today’s Christian Woman, says, “If two or three friends bring up the same topic, then it’s a hot topic.”

Subscribe to women’s magazines and blogs. Read advice columns and women’s how-tos and fiction. Scan Letters to the Editor. Go to women’s conferences. What trends catch your interest? What are her main problems? Sometimes when you listen to whines, you get writing ideas.

Eighth, study the Scriptures.

What does God say about a woman’s heart? Line up what you have to say with eternal truth.
Ninth, touch the emotions.

Make her laugh. Make her cry. Tell compelling, true stories, such as in Hope Lives Here.*
Tenth, provide help, hope and healing. . .with a special oomph.

Be creative with catchy principles. Give her handy things to do. Study what’s already out there—make it as good or better. Develop a different slant. Explain why your manuscript should be published, compared to what’s already in the market.

To write for a woman’s heart, you must expound from your own. Be honest about who you are, where you are. Study what’s already being said—how can you say it differently or better?

~~~~~

Janet Chester Bly has authored and co-authored with husband Stephen 30 books, including Words To Live By For Women, Friends Forever, Hope Lives Here, Awakening Your Sense of Wonder, How To Be A Good Mom and The Heart of a Runaway/Hope & Understanding For The Woman Who Longs To Escape. Find out more at http://BlyBooks.com and http://BlyBooks.blogspot.com

* Managing Your Restless Search and Hope Lives Here, as well as other Bly books available at http://BlyBooks.com/store.htm/