5 Reasons Relationships Are So Tough To Do by Janet Chester Bly

I’m surrounded by imperfect people. How about you?
Like most of you, I don’t always have a peaceful, easy, simple and carefree kind of life. 

Janet Chester Bly

Complications and on-the-verge of chaos circumstances sometimes seem relentless. Especially when it comes to relationships. They can be noisy and messy and pesky.
I’m surrounded by imperfect people, just like me.

I became a woman of faith, partly because of the challenges of relationships. Married for four years with two babies, I suddenly realized I didn’t know how to do marriage or parenting. Searching for help and advice, I wondered if really, truly God existed. If so, what was he like? And would he be willing and able to guide a needy gal like me? The drive to know led me to him as my heavenly Father.

Dealing with relationships also shoved me into writing. I had to journal about the drama and the delights. I wrote about being my mate’s best friend, attempts at becoming a good mom, and the challenge of forever friendships.

One thing I know for sure, relationships are the toughest things we do. That is, if we care about them and are serious about making them work. But why? Here’re five reasons to consider.

1. Close relationships, such as marriage, provide the ultimate invasion of privacy. Torn down is the veil of public persona safety. Sooner or later you face the wash-off, no-makeup, tired-beyond-your-limit retorts, promising no-more-superficial-niceties. Loving people up close and personal exposes faults and warts—theirs and yours.
   
   
2. Working at relationships challenge the core of our me-centered default domain. Becoming other-centered cramps our comfort and relentless, selfish point of view. And challenges our core character. We must learn to give up time, to listen rather than chomp at the bit to tell everything we know.
   
   In every ongoing relationship, two wills bump or align—every time they meet. Even the best of relationships can go through a season when they falter or fail. A distance can develop. A daunting barrier rises. A sincere apology can go a long way.
   
   Thinking of others as good-as or better-than-we-are requires a healthy amount of empathy. And respect. And they can be overwhelming when we have to juggle a number of them. Which should be a priority?
   We are all wired differently—in impulses, in the ways we see things, in backgrounds and experiences. Keeping the peace requires making sense of the complexities. We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp. Some are pretty. Some are dull. Some have weird names. All are different colors. But they have to learn to live in the same box.
   
3. We erect resentments because of jealousy. Feeling overlooked. Rivalry at every turn. A lean toward lust. More than a grain of greed. This evolves from a lack of true satisfaction, always wanting more.
   
   
4. Some folks not only have a nerve, they hit one of ours, every time. Sometimes that’s good. We’re made accountable to aim for better behavior. Or our balloon busts. You’re wearing a new style and feeling full of sassy and she says, “It doesn’t really work, does it?” Truth can hurt, can wound, can seem rude. Not fun.
   
   
5. It’s hard to forgive some offenses. Betrayal is one. Lies and deceit are another. Or triggers we don’t understand ourselves, such as unresolved issues, habits learned from childhood, past experiences we never worked through. We harbor a deep root of bitterness. Sometimes we carry a thin layer of civility over a volcano of unresolved anger.
   Or it can be as simple as, who gets the stuff? The reading of a will and a divvy up of the inheritance tests many families. 

The most wonderful feeling in the world is to be free from all double-dealing, to be an open window to the world. To live without regrets of words left unsaid or deeds left undone. But to achieve that in relationships require conscious efforts to care, to persevere, to make bridges over chasms. Or relationships can stagnate or die. Our most trusted support group forms from those relationships we tough out through the lifelong haul of enduring trials and sharing sorrows. 

About the Author

Janet Chester Bly is the widow of Christy Award winning western author Stephen Bly. Together—his, hers, and theirs--they published 120 fiction and nonfiction books for adults and kids (8-12 yrs). Her newest solo adult novel release is a contemporary western mystery with a touch of romance entitled Down Squash Blossom Road, Book 2 in the Trails of Reba Cahill series. Book 1 is Wind in the Wires. Janet and their three sons finished Stephen’s last novel for him, Stuart Brannon’s Final Shot, a Selah Award Finalist. Read the story at the Bly Books blog:  http://www.blybooks.com/blog/   

NYTimes and USA Today Bestselling author Rachel Hauck said of Book 1, Wind in the Wires: “I love your voice! I love the setting...It’s a great story!” 

Down Squash Blossom Road
by Janet Chester Bly

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Down Squash Blossom Road
What Secret Lies Down Squash Blossom Road?

Cowgirl Reba Cahill’s schedule is full. Save the family ranch. Free her mom from a mental institute. Take another road trip. Solve a murder and a kidnapping. Plus, evade a stalker. Can she also squeeze in romance? Reba Cahill thought she could focus on the duties of the ranch, to help out her widowed grandmother. But a crippled Champ Runcie returns to Road’s End in a wheelchair and seeks revenge for the accident that put him there. Meanwhile, a letter from her estranged mom forces her and Grandma Pearl back on the road: I can leave now. Come get me. Love, Mom

When they arrive in Reno, her mother issues a demand and refuses to return to Idaho. They head west instead. In California, Reba’s friend Ginny’s marriage is on the rocks. The family business is threatened. And squabbles turn deadly. Reba must dig deep to find the courage to forge a relationship with her mom and escape a crazed man’s obsession. She also faces an uncertain future even as a horse trainer offers her a new horse to replace Johnny Poe … and maybe more.

Relationship Trumps All

Thursdays – Dawn’s Devotions for Writers

“By this all men will know that you are my disciples,

if you love one another.”  (John 13:35 NIV)

Back in the day—the ’70s to be a little more specific—I was a part of the Jesus movement. We plastered our cars with “One Way” bumper stickers, pinned numerous buttons with faith-related slogans on our jean jackets, and wore humongous cross necklaces.  It was a time when going door to door with our message or handing out “Do You Know if You’re Going to Heaven?” tracts on street corners was the “in” thing to do for Christians. 

I’m not so sure we accomplished what we set out to do….

The thing is, since my teen years, I’ve learned that telling people how they should live their lives isn’t very productive. Or even the right thing to do. Do you like to be told what to do and how to do it? I sure don’t.

A friend recently told me her niece no longer wanted to spend time with her grandmother because the woman wanted to “evangelize” her. I guess that meant the granddaughter felt the gospel was being shoved down her throat, and she didn’t like it.

 I’m a big believer in relationship. You’ve heard it said that we should watch what we do and say because we may be the only Bible some people read.

As writers, how can we write about relationship—with God or people—if we aren’t experiencing it? Where is the integrity in our work if we write about loving people, but don’t exhibit love ourselves? 

I’ve heard many times over that writers attending conferences should be more concerned about developing relationships with other writers there than trying to pitch their book.  After attending a fair amount of conferences, I agree with that. The friendships I’ve made at the events have been invaluable and will last a lifetime.

Authors who have experience with book signings often advise that it’s better to focus on building relationship with readers who specifically show up to have a book signed, the store staff, and the store’s customers than to worry about sales made that day. Authors have enjoyed getting to know their readers, and there have been many instances where authors were able to minister to those who were struggling with various issues in their lives. 

John 13:35 says that we’ll be known as Christ’s disciples because of how we love each other—our spouses, our family, our friends … and strangers.

In my book, relationship trumps all….

Toxic Relationships

Thursdays - Devotions for Writers

“When a blind man leads a blind man,
they both end up in the ditch.” (Matthew 15:14 TM)

Today, I’m asking you to consider the people who surround you . . .

Are you in relationship with people who support your writing goals? Or do you hang out with those who think you’re “dreaming” and share comments that put negative thoughts in your head?

We can’t control how our friends and family think, or what they say. They may not intend to be mean or say things that hurt our feelings. Unless a person is involved in the industry, he may not have a clue as to how things work. How much is involved, how long it may take to build a writing career, or even how excited you may become over even a small success.

However, toxic relationships can infect our lives with negativity - affecting our creativity and productivity.

Our development as writers – especially as Christian writers – can be enhanced if we’re in relationship with people who understand us, the writer’s journey, and the spiritual correlations. When we’re passionate about something, and another person is passionate along with us – the fire is stoked.

We also need to be careful about toxic relationships within our writing circles. Writers have shared sad stories of critique groups where members trashed someone else’s work in order to feel good about themselves. A meeting became a place where competition reigned and criticism was common.

I do believe it’s important to be honest within our critique groups. We grow to become better writers. But, it’s much easier to take constructive criticism when it’s tempered with encouragement.

One writer shared with me that after a move to another state, she became involved with a group of writers who believed they knew it all, weren’t interested in tips on how their writing could improve, and gave misinformation about the industry. They were unwilling to learn anything new outside their exclusive group. It was a real case of the blind leading the blind. Out of frustration, the writer finally made the wise decision to leave. She felt it was better to not be a part of a group at all, than to attempt to work with a one that was becoming toxic for her.

If you don’t have a critique group you can meet with in person for support, perhaps you can join an online group. Network with other writers through Facebook, or read blogs (like this one) that offer various types of information and encouragement.

Find at least one person who believes in you, and who will pray for you.

And don’t forget to ask God, “Who belongs in my life?”

Dawn