Friday, April 27, 2018

Five Tips on How Not to Become a Writer by C. Kevin Thompson

C. Kevin Thompson

Do you have a story to tell? Do you have a book inside you just waiting to be written? Are you looking for ways to squash those feelings so you won’t be viewed by your peers as a weirdo who likes to spend more time with his computer than his buddies? Want that desire to die so you can say yes when your girlfriends ask you to join them for a ladies’ night out? Well, look no further. I have “Five Tips on How Not to Become a Writer.” Or you can call them “Five Secrets of the Not-So-Successful Writer Wannabee.” Or how about “Five Keys to Burying Your Foolish Dreams of Becoming a New York Times Bestselling Author”?

Regardless of the title of this workshop, you are going to learn ways that will help you take the necessary detours around the glamourous, eighty-hour a week, hermit-like life of the average author so that you can live a normal, human existence. So, let’s get started!

Tip #1: If first you don’t succeed, keep it up.

Ninety-percent of the battle of having a good day at work is showing up. If you don’t show up, you may have a great day somewhere else, but it won’t be at work. Same goes for writing. If you never sit down to write, it won’t get written. So, don’t do it. If you go to the donut shop instead, eat an extra glazed donut and have another glorious cup of donut shop coffee. If the beach is calling, pick up the phone. Make that date. And don’t take your computer. Computers hate sand and water. Remember, the worst thing you can do is believe in yourself and start writing.

 Tip #2: Social media should be your daily companion.

If you do make the mistake of turning on your computer, make sure you open up a web browser and access all of your social media accounts (you should have at least five). But we suggest using your smart phone instead. This way, you can utilize this tip without being tempted to open up MS Word. A rule of thumb here is to spend no less than thirty minutes with each social media account. If you’re lucky, your desire to sit down and write will fade by account number three, and before you know it, your morning (and more importantly, the time you could have spent writing) will be gone. Remember, mankind has never produced a bigger time-wasting activity than social media. For a writer wannabee, this is golden. Use it to the fullest.

Tip #3: Give your idea to someone else, then forget about it.

Real writers not only write, they save their work. That’s because they not only want to finish it, but they want to take credit for it. But if you wish to be the best writer wannabee you can be, stay away from flash drives, jump drives, thumb drives, and external hard drives. If you happen to jot down some notes on a napkin, ala J. K. Rowling, burn them. Then, find someone you know who actually does this kind of thing for a living and give them your ideas verbally. You can even donate any research you foolishly spent time collecting so it may help them produce a work worthy of publication. They key here is for you not to have a legal leg to stand on if the book becomes the next blockbuster. You want to cut all ties. Remember, once you hand over the keys to your idea, walk away. And do it with your blessing. And if you must use a drive of some sort, make it a long one along the beach. And who knows? That writer friend who now owns your idea may even mention you in the acknowledgements.

Tip #4: Make sure you are blogging…a lot.

Blogging is a great way to help folks get to know you. It’s also a great way for writers to help other authors get exposure to new readers. It’s also a great way to help build your brand as a writer. But for you, the writer wannabee, those reasons are all the taboo. But if you must write something, write a blog nobody wants to read. Suggestions for topics could be:

  • Anti-Gardening: For Those Who Hate Flowers But Love Destructive Insects
  • Yo-Yo: Living in the Motherhood and Other Tales From the Crib
  • Sports: For Those Who Actually Need to Participate But Don’t, or
  • Creative Ways to Use Aluminum Foil Outside the Kitchen.

Why? Because when you write about these kinds of things, you won’t develop an audience. You won’t develop a brand. (Unless you’re really funny, which in that case, don’t be. Boring is the best…think: Sominex in print. The last thing you want is to become a stand-up comic. They travel way too much.)

We also recommend writing as many blogs as you can in a month, then add about five more so you never really write for any of them with any consistency. Remember, there are two major foci here: You want your blogs to monopolize your time, and you want your blogs to make you look like an unmarketable oddball. Accomplish this, and you are well on your way to the writer wannabee life.

Tip #5: If you read, read anything but books on writing.

One of the most dangerous acts a writer wannabee can perform is talking to an actual writer. If you do, they will begin to tell you about their latest project. They also will tell you about how their published works are doing because to be polite, you will have started off the conversation by asking, “So, how are your books doing?” Don’t do that. Why? Because they may tickle your fancied, inner writer. They may even get you interested in wanting to know more. And if you fall completely down the rabbit hole of temptation, you may even ask more questions, which will turn your five-minute, superficial, “Rats, they saw me…I guess I’ll have to say hello now” conversation in the grocery store into an Amazon Prime order of books on the craft of writing, grammar, parts of speech, sentence structure, plot, and all those other terms you hated in your high school English class. Remember, if you read, read for fun. Maybe even for personal edification. But never about writing.

I hope this has helped you learn the ways of a non-writer. Think of this class as a “Writer Wannabees 101” class. There are more tips we can share at a later date, but for now, start with these.

I guarantee you, if you employ the secrets I have shared with you, you will be living the life of a writer wannabee in no time.


(The Blake Meyer Thriller Series, Book 3)

A Perverse Tale. A Precarious Truth. A Personal Tribulation.

Supervisory Special Agent Blake Meyer is at an impasse. Bound and beaten in a dilapidated warehouse halfway around the world, Blake finds himself listening to an unbelievable story. Right and wrong warp into a despicable clash of ideologies. Life quickly becomes neither black nor white. Nor is it red, white, and blue any longer.

Every second brings the contagion's release closer, promising to drag the United States into the Dark Ages. Tens of millions could be dead within months.

Every moment adds miles and hours to the expanding gulf between him and his family. What is he to believe? Who is he to trust?

C. KEVIN THOMPSON is a husband, a father, a grandfather, and a kid at heart. Often referred to as “crazy” by his grandchildren, it’s only because he is. He’s a writer. Need he say more?

The first three books of his Blake Meyer Thriller series are out! Book 1, 30 Days Hath Revenge, Book 2, Triple Time, and Book 3, The Tide of Times, are now available! Book 4, When the Clock Strikes Fourteen, is coming soon!  Also, the second edition of his award-winning debut novel, The Serpent’s Grasp, is now available!

Kevin is a huge fan of the TV series 24, The Blacklist, Blue Bloods, and Criminal Minds, loves anything to do with Star Trek, and is a Sherlock Holmes fanatic, too. It’s quite elementary, actually.

Kevin’s Writer’s Blog:
Facebook:                              C. Kevin Thompson – Author Fan Page
Twitter:                                  @CKevinThompson
Goodreads:                            C. Kevin Thompson