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| C. Kevin Thompson |
Do you have a story to tell? Do you have a book inside you
just waiting to be written? Are you looking for ways to squash those feelings
so you won’t be viewed by your peers as a weirdo who likes to spend more time
with his computer than his buddies? Want that desire to die so you can say yes
when your girlfriends ask you to join them for a ladies’ night out? Well, look
no further. I have “Five Tips on How Not to Become a Writer.” Or you can call
them “Five Secrets of the Not-So-Successful Writer Wannabee.” Or how about
“Five Keys to Burying Your Foolish Dreams of Becoming a New York Times
Bestselling Author”?
Regardless of the title of this workshop, you are going to
learn ways that will help you take the necessary detours around the glamourous,
eighty-hour a week, hermit-like life of the average author so that you can live
a normal, human existence. So, let’s get started!
Tip #1: If first you don’t succeed, keep it up.
Ninety-percent of the battle of having a good day at work is
showing up. If you don’t show up, you may have a great day somewhere else, but
it won’t be at work. Same goes for writing. If you never sit down to write, it
won’t get written. So, don’t do it. If you go to the donut shop instead, eat an
extra glazed donut and have another glorious cup of donut shop coffee. If the
beach is calling, pick up the phone. Make that date. And don’t take your
computer. Computers hate sand and water. Remember, the worst thing you can do
is believe in yourself and start
writing.
Tip #2: Social media should be your daily companion.
If you do make the mistake of turning on your computer, make
sure you open up a web browser and access all of your social media accounts
(you should have at least five). But we suggest using your smart phone instead.
This way, you can utilize this tip without being tempted to open up MS Word. A
rule of thumb here is to spend no less than thirty minutes with each social
media account. If you’re lucky, your desire to sit down and write will fade by
account number three, and before you know it, your morning (and more
importantly, the time you could have spent writing) will be gone. Remember,
mankind has never produced a bigger time-wasting activity than social media.
For a writer wannabee, this is golden. Use it to the fullest.
Tip #3: Give your idea to someone else, then forget
about it.
Real writers not only write, they save their work. That’s
because they not only want to finish it, but they want to take credit for it. But if you wish to be the best writer
wannabee you can be, stay away from flash drives, jump drives, thumb drives,
and external hard drives. If you happen to jot down some notes on a napkin, ala J. K. Rowling, burn them. Then, find
someone you know who actually does this kind of thing for a living and give
them your ideas verbally. You can
even donate any research you foolishly spent time collecting so it may help
them produce a work worthy of publication. They key here is for you not to have a legal leg to stand on if
the book becomes the next blockbuster. You want to cut all ties. Remember, once
you hand over the keys to your idea, walk away. And do it with your blessing.
And if you must use a drive of some sort, make it a long one along the beach.
And who knows? That writer friend who now owns your idea may even mention you
in the acknowledgements.
Tip #4: Make sure you are blogging…a lot.
Blogging is a great way to help folks get to know you. It’s
also a great way for writers to help other authors get exposure to new readers.
It’s also a great way to help build your brand as a writer. But for you, the
writer wannabee, those reasons are all the taboo. But if you must write
something, write a blog nobody wants to read. Suggestions for topics could be:
- Anti-Gardening: For Those Who Hate Flowers But Love Destructive Insects
- Yo-Yo: Living in the Motherhood and Other Tales From the Crib
- Sports: For Those Who Actually Need to Participate But Don’t, or
- Creative Ways to Use Aluminum Foil Outside the Kitchen.
Why? Because when you write about these kinds of things, you
won’t develop an audience. You won’t develop a brand. (Unless you’re really
funny, which in that case, don’t be. Boring is the best…think: Sominex in
print. The last thing you want is to become a stand-up comic. They travel way
too much.)
We also recommend writing as many blogs as you can in a month,
then add about five more so you never really write for any of them with any
consistency. Remember, there are two major foci here: You want your blogs to
monopolize your time, and you want your blogs to make you look like an
unmarketable oddball. Accomplish this, and you are well on your way to the
writer wannabee life.
Tip #5: If you read, read anything but books on
writing.
One of the most dangerous acts a writer wannabee can perform
is talking to an actual writer. If you do, they will begin to tell you about
their latest project. They also will tell you about how their published works
are doing because to be polite, you will have started off the conversation by
asking, “So, how are your books doing?” Don’t do that. Why? Because they may
tickle your fancied, inner writer. They may even get you interested in wanting
to know more. And if you fall completely down the rabbit hole of temptation,
you may even ask more questions, which will turn your five-minute, superficial,
“Rats, they saw me…I guess I’ll have to say hello now” conversation in the
grocery store into an Amazon Prime order of books on the craft of writing,
grammar, parts of speech, sentence structure, plot, and all those other terms
you hated in your high school English class. Remember, if you read, read for
fun. Maybe even for personal edification. But never about writing.
I hope this has helped you learn the ways of a non-writer.
Think of this class as a “Writer Wannabees 101” class. There are more tips we
can share at a later date, but for now, start with these.
I guarantee you, if you employ the secrets I have shared with
you, you will be living the life of a writer wannabee in no time.
Enjoy!
(The
Blake Meyer Thriller Series, Book 3)
A
Perverse Tale. A Precarious Truth. A Personal Tribulation.
Supervisory
Special Agent Blake Meyer is at an impasse. Bound and beaten in a dilapidated
warehouse halfway around the world, Blake finds himself listening to an
unbelievable story. Right and wrong warp into a despicable clash of ideologies.
Life quickly becomes neither black nor white. Nor is it red, white, and blue
any longer.
Every
second brings the contagion's release closer, promising to drag the United
States into the Dark Ages. Tens of millions could be dead within months.
Every
moment adds miles and hours to the expanding gulf between him and his family.
What is he to believe? Who is he to trust?
C. KEVIN
THOMPSON is a husband, a father, a grandfather, and a kid at heart.
Often referred to as “crazy” by his grandchildren, it’s only because he is.
He’s a writer. Need he say more?
The first three books of his Blake Meyer Thriller series are
out! Book 1, 30 Days Hath Revenge, Book
2, Triple Time, and Book 3, The Tide of Times, are now available! Book
4, When the Clock Strikes Fourteen,
is coming soon! Also, the second edition
of his award-winning debut novel, The
Serpent’s Grasp, is now available!
Kevin is a huge fan of the TV series 24, The Blacklist, Blue Bloods, and Criminal Minds, loves anything to do with Star Trek, and is a Sherlock Holmes fanatic, too. It’s quite
elementary, actually.
